


Paper Cut

by sparrow2000



Category: BtVS - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 12:43:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparrow2000/pseuds/sparrow2000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Giles hates his life</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paper Cut

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2008 for LJ community Taming the Muse  
> Disclaimer: Joss and Mutant Enemy et al own all. I own nothing.  
> Beta extraordinaire: [](http://thismaz.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://thismaz.livejournal.com/)**thismaz**

__  
**Ficlet: Paper Cut**  
  


He didn’t understand why it hurt so much. It wasn’t meant to hurt. It wasn’t supposed to carve into his heart in the middle of the night. He wasn’t supposed to let his mind wander in the daytime, remembering every smile and laugh and the smell of her perfume. He wasn’t supposed to feel like this. He wasn’t supposed to feel.

Giles sighed and rubbed the back of his neck wearily. Gazing out of the small windows of his library office, he could see Buffy working out: at least he assumed that’s what it was called. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he didn’t like the music. He didn’t like the beat, or sometimes the lack of one, but he remembered what it was like to be that age, to be entranced by the newness of something the older generation wouldn’t understand. Of course, that was part of the appeal – the assumption of uniqueness.

He followed that thought and realised that was what had appealed to him about Jenny. She was different. She didn’t feel she had to follow the rules. She was a teacher and the word exuded respectability, but she was also a Wicca who used magic and technology in a way that was anything but conventional. She was unexpected, that was the word, and he missed her desperately.

But she had kept secrets and he had been forced to choose – his Slayer or his love. He knew that he couldn’t have both. So he’d buttoned up his jacket, wearing it like armour over the bruises on his soul and turned his back on his feelings. His Slayer came first, that was his duty, that was what he’d been taught and he followed the code, stamping on his longing, before it could flower and tempt him.

Buffy would never know how he felt; what he’d given up. Of course, she knew that he liked Jenny, perhaps more than liked, but she didn’t really understand. Adults weren’t people, they were there to be railed against and to provide comfort when required, but they weren’t supposed to have a life. He, more than any other adult in Buffy’s world, wasn’t supposed to have a life.

Giles turned away from the window and sat down heavily on the battered swivel chair. The cluttered desk looked the same as it had the day before – the day when he’d been happy. His fingers hovered for a moment over an ancient, leather bound book, one of the tools of his arcane trade, and as he picked it up, resolving to do some housekeeping to occupy himself, a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor. Placing the book carefully back on the desk, he bent down, picked up the note, and stared at it. It was her phone number, written in bold red pen and underlined three times. He remembered her laughing as she placed it between the pages of the book, saying that if she left it there he was bound to remember where to find it. He traced the number with one ink stained finger, then his hand strayed towards the phone, like it had a mind of his own.

The moment seemed to stretch forever before he pulled his hand back, cradling it with the other as if one hand was more able to control the impulses of its impetuous sibling. He sat and stared again at the paper, feeling the weight of thousand years of heritage bearing down on his shoulders. He was dimly aware that the library was quiet, that Buffy had turned off her music, and then he heard the clink of metal against metal and knew she was in the book cage. Straightening up, Giles squared his shoulders and closed his eyes for a moment before crushing the paper and throwing it in the waste bin. He had made his choice and he would live with the consequences. Love wasn’t part of his life and now it was time for weapons training.


End file.
